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Self-Epiphany
Thursday, April 08, 2010 3:14 AM
My trip to Phuket was beyond awesome. I expected, as per previous post, to do some reflection and self-talking (geez, there must be a better word for this) in the calming presence of the sand and the sea. I got my reflections done, but amazingly in the opposite way.
I went jet-skiing. Jet-skiing is probably one of the most dangerous water sports you can do in Phuket. Some operators are not even holding legal licences, and deaths have been reported. I did my research beforehand, and was the one of the most apprehensive jet-skiiers the operator must have met.
Fast forward to me sitting on the jet-ski alone, bobbing in the sea. The jet-ski power operates like a bicycle brake, except when you push down the handle, you accelerate. So there I was. And for some reason, I slam the lever down with my fingers and I literally charged forward like a headless bull. And then I laughed. Out loud. This sounds like something taken out from a really cheesy travel book, but seriously. I was laughing and yelling at the same time. And I sped from one end of the sea bay to the another, riding the waves like I had no clue of those people dead from the sport. All I could scream was "WHOOHOO!" repeatedly and I guffawed beyond loudly. It was a chuckle, a shriek and a whoop all at the same time.
The adrenalin pulsating from my arms to my head was so tangible I couldn't believe it. And of course, after adrenalin comes endorphins. So I became even louder, even faster. I was riding at the maximum speed, my butt constantly being lifted up and slammed against the seat because of the waves I was generating. It was unbelievable.
Then I realized something. I was genuinely happy. I don't think I have experienced true happiness since 2009 began. I was terribly shocked at this revelation. And there's no other word for it--I was just simply happy. I skiied with total abandon. That feeling was frighteningly exhilarating. I was terrified that I could feel such pure bliss, honest to God. But I wanted it never to disappear. So I skiied out into the horizon, as far as I could. And because the sea is infinite, I could never reach the horizon. So I went even further out as though a parched man striving towards a mirage.
I was so overwhelmed and excited that even my friend told me that I wasn't supposed to ski as far out as I had. I broke the rules that the operator told me to abide to. But really, at that point of time, I couldn't be bothered. I was wrong, but I was already akin to an addict high on drugs. There was no room to think about discipline, I was filled to the brim with so much euphoria. (If pot really gives this same effect, I don't blame the people addicted to it) While I was riding, all I could think about was how happy I was and how I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. Like a lifetime hobby. Seriously the best forty minutes I've ever spent.
Then two days later, we went to a water theme park. The main attraction was this water slide that had an almost vertical drop downwards about 3-4 stories high. I tried the slide once, and the next thing I did was ask the guy to push me backwards so that I couldn't see where the drop started. And it was the most exhilarating drop ever. And so I realized another thing about myself. I might be a closet adrenalin junkie after all. I never thought I was such a risk-taker, but I couldn't imagine not trying the slide backwards and not requesting for another capsize on the banana boat (another Phuket escapade of ours). The rush was simply too good to miss. I was very taken aback by this realization. 原来我冷酷的外表隐藏着我内心的澎湃。原来在海上翱翔的我会感到真正的快乐。原来肾上腺素冲上脑门是多么享受的一件事。 原来我可以在惊险里找到无限的喜悦、找到实而不华的自己。
This post feels like the worst I've ever written, because it is unquestionably impossible to put in words what I actually felt at those moments. But this has been probably one of the greatest lessons of my entire lifetime. 天啊，原来我是需要旅游、需要探索新的事物、需要挑战自我极限。我需要。
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